*by which I mean the technology that reads e-books, rather than a person.
Amy: Die painfully and burst into flames, E-book Reader!!
E-book Reader: (swiveling an easy chair around and casually looking up) Oh. Hey, Amy. Whassup? I didn’t see you there.
Amy: Don’t try to be the bigger person here, E-book Reader; we both know you’re just a shiny casing fitted over an evil soulless chasm.
E-b.R: (chuckles nonchalantly) You’re such a kidder.
Amy: Acknowledge your innate evilness, dammit!!
E-b.R: (gently stroking a cat nuzzled into its face. Its eyes get very wide) But…I read books. It’s what I’m made for. You love books, Amy; you told me so yourself. And I can give you access to hundreds, thousands even, at the mere touch of a button. That’s…what you want, isn’t it?
Amy: (fist in the air) Not like this! Never like this!
E-b.R: Why? Why can’t you open your heart to me? Just because I’m beautiful and desired doesn’t mean that I don’t have a brain too, that I don’t have…feelings (brings face to hands and sobs).
Amy: You’re just a machine!
E-b.R: And what about that makes me so abhorrent to you? They fixed the glare, you know; you’ll more likely lose your eyesight reading paper books in poor lighting.
Amy: I’ll never share the same connection with you that I have with my other books!
E-b.R: (giggling flirtatiously) But that’s ridiculous! They’ve replicated note-taking features and page-turning too! You can leave me on a desk, come back later and retrieve the right page without worrying about creases or wear and tear.
Amy: How can you be so callous? You’re going to be the death of print literature!
E-b.R: (looking slightly confused)…but if I can do everything they can, why is that a bad thing? Maybe this is just their time.
Amy: (drops fist, wavers slightly)
E-b.R: (continuing, the hint of a smile starts to peek out) You see, I’m just the same as all the books before me, only better. I contain endless possibility. You’ll never have to worry again about what book to pack or having your entire library lost by a shipping carrier. No more worrying about what point to separate mass markets from trades to make sure your stacks don’t become unbalanced. I have a built-in organization system. My books are always in perfect condition, just the way you like them. Only I can cater to your every need, the perfect book for your every desire… (leans in, puckering lips)
Amy: (closes eyes and leans in, at the last second breaking away in horror) No! This is all so wrong!! I like having to choose which books to carry with me, and I like having to commit to reading one and not switching back and forth every time my mood or the wind changes! I want to keep browsing stores, collecting stacks of books I can’t afford until gradually weeding it down to one or two choices that feel so right in my hands. You, you’d have me believe that I can bend my reading to my heart’s desire, but if I do that, I’ll never be able to appreciate the worth of the book in front of me. I’ll never be absorbed if all the time I have endless possibilities at my fingertips!! For that matter, I’ll never be absorbed if I’m reading books from a computer screen! You can keep denying it, but *real* books, they’re connected to the world outside computers–their heft, the paper they’re printed on, the shelf space they occupy, who knows? Without having to organize books, without having to care for them, without worrying they’ll be lost in transit…without all those things, I won’t have to contribute anything to the reading process. I won’t truly appreciate the inherent value of a book because you’ll make them all interchangable, and I can flit from one to the other forever and ever.
Not to mention, I’ll lose the feel of flipping through pages with my thumb…of scanning a book I’ve just bought because I don’t want to dive in, not just yet. No more staring at a row of covers or going to a friend’s house for the first time and browsing their collection until spotting a gem. A book used to be a piece of art within itself! We’ve already lost illuminated manuscripts; must we be reduced to shoving the entire canon into a single piece of metal alongside trashy romance novels and vapid serialists?? You might be practical, but that’s not what literature is!!
E-b.R: (making a last desperate plea) You mean, you don’t find me sexy?
Amy: Of course you’re sexy. And you won’t stop. You’ll keep going until books are historical relics. You won’t stop. You’ll never stop… (the fury begins to build)
The room falls silent. Just as Amy is about to move, E-book Reader emits a low, steady laugh. Amy looks up to see sparks in flux around the outer shell, which begins to melt away revealing a menacing mix of black circuits. Wires become tentacles, reaching out with destructive intent.
E-b.R: (the slippery charm is gone from the voice, replaced by the low menace of the true form) You should have loved me when you had the chance. (it moves forward to attack)
Amy quickly scans the room for a weapon. Spotting the fireplace poker, she dives to retrieve it. Seeing this, E-book Reader moves to cut her off, bot h reaching the weapon at the same time. E-book reader launches into Amy, pinning her down. Amy stretches out her hand for the fireplace poker…just…out…of…reach. She stretches her arm….almost there. E-book reader looks down upon the helpless victim, laughing maniacally at her vain attempts to secure the weapon. Victory assured, E-book reader raises its tentacles for the death blow…
Just then, Amy’s arm reaches the final millimetres, securing the poker. With E-book reader’s arms still raised, she stabs with all her might, right in the middle of the circuitry. A high-pitched whine is emitted as Amy scrambles out from E-book Reader’s hold and watches as it falls, lifeless, to the floor. One last death rattle, then nothing.
Amy: (spits) Go back to Star Trek. Bitch. Exeunt